pointless ramblings

the first entry yo!
hello, this is my first entry to this thing.
other peeps have one so i thought i might as well get myself one,
because i always have so many thoughts and i never know where to put them.
i guess that's what this is for.
my name is antonia, i'm 15 and yeah.. i go to lorne park highschool. it's a goodtime..
hm back on thoughts, i used to write in a diary but i hardley write in that thing anymore.
it was mostly about, boys, when i was venting from being depressed, and more boys.
it's pretty sad that sometimes that's what your whole life is evolved around. (boys)
if i didn't like someone, i'd be wanting too and i would be lonely, and if i did
it'd never work out.
but yeah, there is deffinatly more to life.

BUT, i do have to say, one certain boy is starting to really get a hold of me.
i don't know, i really like him. and we've only been dating for 6 dayss..
it feels like longer. i'm pretty happy with him, but even though everything is good,
today i just kept on feeling like.. everything was going to go wrong
'i bet he'll stop liking me too and loose interest, and i'll be left alone again'
'this is too good to be true, somethings going to go wrong like always'
when i think about it, even though i don't want to be, my thoughts about myself
and my happiness are pretty negative. like if i were to look in the mirror i'd think
hm.. i look okay i guess. i never really see myself as beautiful, or anything special.
no one has ever called me beautiful before. pff big deal, get me out the little baby voilin
and play me the saddest song..k i'm a retard haha
i don't want to think negatively, because i know there is no point in it
from being best friends with michael kavangah for so long, i've realized that negativity
wont get me anywhere. it's pretty crazy how he has impacted my life so much, like when
i'm doing something stupid or wrong and i know it is, i think to myself what he'd say
like he's some sortof guru. he sortof was actually. he deffinatly taught me alot, and changed
me for the better. looking back on how i used to think and how i valued things, it's sortof pathetic.
i value life so much more now. that's also to do with the book i guess.
(the book is a book that he wanted me to read. i like alot of the ideas in it. i refer back to it alot)

anyways, i think i'll be off now. i wanted moser to call me damnit.. i really felt like falling
asleep by talking on the phone. i always do. i don't think he likes talking on the phone as much though lol
well i can understand, he was really tired. i am too.. but i'd rather fall asleep talking to him
than to fighting with my own thoughts, which usually takes me an hour before i go to bed.
i always do that, i recap everything that has happened in the daay, and what people said
and about everything. it's a good feeling, sometimes i feel like i can't think about things properly
or i save my thoughts up for when i'm laying in my bed before sleeping. it's deffinatly one of my
favourite things to do. i think that's the root cause of why it takes me so bloody long to get to sleep
honestly, it takes me about an hour before i can actually fall asleep. it's pretty pathetic.

i love how i'm writing all this, and no one is going to read it.
because.. i don't have any friends on this thing. and i don't really want to tell anyone about it
cause then how am i actually going to write about how i feel if people i know are reading it?
i wont mind if someone stumbles apon it or something. it could be nice to let people know what i am thinking.
even though it's usually a load of bullcrap. that's right, bullcrap.
hm.. i like typing. it's relaxing in a weird sortof way.
and annnd i like having a boyfriend
i feel like talking about this now. k i love the thoughts i had before bed, on the night of the smear show.
well it was ill scarlett but who cares about that. it was smear to me. anyways, that was the night
that i actually felt wanted, the night that i realized that i'm finally going to have someone to kiss
whenever i want. someone to play with and flirt whenever i want. someone to actually make
me feel good. someone to just be there for me, and of course now i can finally have a purpose, to make
my boyfriend happy. :) so now i'm happy, that i've finally found what i have been looking for.
i've been looking for a real boyfriend for the longest time, and i was starting to think that i was
going to be lonely for the rest of my time in highschool. i feel like time without a guy to like,
is time wasted. i guess i'm a hopeless romantic. maybe that's why i fell so hard for ben
because he was the only one who ever said those sortof nice things about me.
he seemed like he actually meant it. he told me that i was the reason he was living.
and made me feel sosososo special. and then BOOM..it all falls down and i get hurt terribly.
i've never been hurt that bad i don't think. i remember all the nights before bed i'd lay there and think
about how i wish i could have made things better. how i wish we could just have one more chance.
and how i eventually realized, that he didn't even give a shit about me anymore.
and i was the left there, thinking about him nearly everyday, and being upset about what happened
for months after it. but i don't care anymore, cause i have moser.
and i don't really think about it all that much, only sometimes randomly.
but, i guess it's sortof weird that i still have the texts he sent me on my cellphone.
oh well, it doesnt matter anymore because i friggen lost it. i'm too clumsy. i loose and forget everything.
if there were two things i could change about myself, it would deffinatly be..
to be more thoughtful in the clumsy/loosing/forgetfull sortof way.
and to be okay at math. honestly, math makes me feel so down because i realize that i actually am dumb.
i'm dreading it next semester. ughughugh i'm going to cack my pants. not seriously, but i bet i'll nearly
do it when the time comes that i have to do mathmatical equations.

haha my sisters watching old school in the other room and i can here the jokes of it in the back ground
noise. i lovelovelove will farrel. he cracks me up like a crackah.
i think tomorrow, i'm going to sleep in till about 11. or 11 30. cause i hate sleeping in really late
cause i feel like i've wasted the day. even though it feels good, i just can't bring myself to do it.
(you watch, i'm going to end up sleeping till like 1 tomorrow haha)
ooh yeah and i'm gunna watch movies, anchorman..eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
maybe something like..costa blanca. oor not actually, because that reminds me of ben
pretty saaad huh. yeaah, i wish i could just lay there and watch movies with moser all day.
that would probably the best day ever. honestly, that'd make me so happy to just relax and hangout
in my movie room with him for a couple hours. that way we can actually just spend time together alone
and enjoy some movies too. and kiss alot:) cause that's what we do best.
oh yeah, did i say that he's an amazing kisser? cause he is. pretty perfect all round.
kk i'm peacin', otherwise i'm going to end up typing a short novel
and my oh my how boring that novel will be.
i don't think anyone would buy it.
here i go again;)
have a good night.
antonia i wanna bonia.
haha.
<3

Current Mood: sore